Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
