This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
