I can't watch pbs sober anymore
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
