Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
