His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
