my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
