I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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