he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
