there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
