I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
