I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
