saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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