Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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