All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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