Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
