He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
