I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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