I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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