she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
