Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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