Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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