Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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