I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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