3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
