I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
