As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
