I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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