White coat. Heels.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
