in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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