ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
