When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I need a burrito and a hug.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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