If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
