Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
