rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
