Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
