she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
