i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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