Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
