She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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