So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
