ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
