It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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