You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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