I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
