Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
