Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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