If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I looked at my own cervix.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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