You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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