life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
