Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We need a shit load of segways right now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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