i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
