Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
