My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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