Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
