I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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