I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
