So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
