this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize