Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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